she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
