Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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