I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
