Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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