What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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