I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
