Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
