I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize