tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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