oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
