i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
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