I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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