Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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