so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
