This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
