i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
