So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
