Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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