i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
ok first of all what the fuck
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
