That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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