Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
