I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
