My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
