Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
