cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize