you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
