So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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