My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
