I want to make a zoo with you.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
