You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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