You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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