Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
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