college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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