I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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