Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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