Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Bring me that man meat
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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