he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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