you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Barsexuality is the new black.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
My penis needs a shock collar
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize