It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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