What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
