I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
