Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
