I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Randomize
