Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
