Umm I'm too high to move.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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