hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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