I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
So much Jack, so little girl.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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