Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
