The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
