I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
