it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
