I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
