i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
