Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
mondays should just be called national damage control day
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize