If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
