I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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