Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
