new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
