i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
he fucked my hip out of place.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Randomize