i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Randomize
